|
April 7, 1874
"Do you lie awake crying all night, every night--or can I expect to get at least some occasional sleep while I'm staying here?" Beth asked mildly as she set a cup of coffee down in front of me. "I'm sorry." I felt a stab of guilt. "I should have changed the linens and let you stay in the guestroom. It won't be used again until Zach comes home from the clinic." "It's not the lack of sleep that's bothering me," she confessed softly. "It's watching you hurt like this and not knowing what to say or do." "There's nothing that you can do. There's nothing that anyone can do." I cradled the hot drink between my palms. "I have to admit to having mixed emotions about you and Mr. Lawson." She sat down across from me. "For awhile there I had been thinking that the application of that iron skillet of yours to his skull might well serve to greatly improve his disposition...but after Zach woke up I understood what you had said to Mr. Lausenstrom right before Hank came in--about wanting to strangle him one minute and then wanting to hold him and never let go in the next." "Hank is an infuriating man to try to deal with." I sighed, pushing my untidy curls back over my shoulder. "I should be glad that it's over between us." "But you're not." Beth began to peel the egg that she had boiled. "I saw the way that he affected you. Even with all the snarling that was going on, it was all that you could do not to go to him and throw yourself into his arms." "Admitting to myself that I had fallen in love took a giant leap of faith--but as soon as I accepted the fact that I could lose my heart to a man like Hank, I didn't have a single doubt any more that we belonged together," I admitted flatly. "And those feelings don't seem to want to go away." "Do you honestly want them to?" "Being in love, when the person who you love doesn't feel the same way, is something that only a total idiot could want." "If Hank didn't love you, why would it matter to him if Erik is interested in you or you in him?" she asked reasonably. "The only logical explanation for that much jealousy has to be that he still wants you for himself." "You don't understand the relationship that Hank has with his family." I shook my head slightly. "Or rather the lack of it. His reaction to seeing me with Erik is about sibling rivalry--not about me." "Cat--a man who is 36 years old and never been married, who already has a son, women in his bed whenever he pleases, and the company of friends, is only going to make a commitment if he can't figure out how to live without you," she opined. "He's not going to 'give up' his free-wheeling ways without an awfully good reason--and Hank didn't strike me as someone who would ask you to marry him because he knows that Evan McShane has money." "I may not approve of his methods, but whatever Hank has, it's come through hard work and determination." I sipped my coffee. "He gave up his own inheritance rather than kowtow to his father, and if he's even aware that my family owns EJM Shipping, he's never mentioned it. In fact, after he was charged with murder he tried to turn over his savings to me so that Zach and I could start over somewhere else... Despite the gossip around town, I suspect that Hank's made an assumption that even if the McShanes were rich at one time, we probably lost almost everything during the war." "Won't he be angry if he arrives for the wedding, and you haven't told him what to expect?" she inquired gently. "There's not going to BE a wedding--but if there was, don't those wedding vows mention something about 'for richer or poorer?" "You're afraid of how he's going to react to the news," she surmised. "The sun will never rise on the day when I'm afraid of Hank Lawson!" I objected, glaring at her. "Let me rephrase that." Beth tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile. "If there WAS going to be a wedding--which I will hasten to add could never possibly occur in this lifetime--it appears that for reasons of your own, you haven't be totally forthcoming... That you would seem to have some concern over whether or not a self-made man like your Mr. Lawson might be a bit--well, miffed--to learn that the pig in a poke that he bought is actually a very wealthy young woman?" "Although I'm not certain that I particularly like the analogy-- likening me to a bagged pig--that big fool is always mad at me about something, so why not this, too?" I grumbled. "Out of all the men in all the world, I had to go and fall in love with a swaggering, hard-headed, saloon-owning cowboy, who can puff himself up like a blowfish with that stupid, male pride!" "To my way of thinking, that 'hardheaded cowboy' sounds like your perfect match." She grinned. "The two of you can happily butt heads for the rest of your lives--and God knows, Hank is as handsome as any man that I've ever seen, with that hair of his and that low, smoky voice. He's going to give you incredibly beautiful babies." Pain ripped through me, and tears squeezed past the tightly closed barrier of my eyelids as I struggled not to completely break down in front of my sister. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this--how I'm ever going to survive until the school year is over," I confessed. "I feel totally empty inside... I know that I mean nothing to Hank, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep pretending that I don't love him anymore." "I'm having a hard time believing that the man I saw in that room yesterday isn't in love with you, too." "Then your imagination is better than mine." "Perhaps your first instincts about Hank were right--maybe he has been trying to push you away not because he doesn't care but because he cares too much," she suggested. "Considering everything that's happened, he may well believe that he doesn't deserve you." "When I found Hank, it was like I had found my other half," I whispered, staring down into my cup. "I'd never even known that a part of me was missing...but he completes me. From the first time that I ever saw his face, I've felt this pull--this sense of recognition that he was the one that God had always meant for me. That I would go to my grave someday, still loving him..." I raised my head, noticing that Beth's eyes were filled with tears. Reaching across the table, she took my hand and squeezed it. "Real love... love that deep...lasts forever. If you give up on Hank, it may never come again." "I haven't been offered an alternative." "For a long time after I was raped I wished that I was dead. I thought that I might well go mad from carrying that kind of secret around with me for the rest of my life," she admitted softly. "Finally, I was able to get angry. He was three times my size--I couldn't possibly have stopped him. The dirty, stinking bastard stole the rest of my childhood... He stole all of those years away from us both. But I've made up my mind not to let him cheat me out of any more of my life than he already has. I want all of the things that other women have. I deserve the same chance as they do to be happy. And the day that I will know that this whole nightmare is finally over is the day when you and I both are married--when we're able to fall in love and say yes to being a wife to the right man. You've found the right one, Cat. Just hang onto him." "You've changed so much during the past year." I wiped away my tears. "I've made peace with myself." She nodded. "It was time. As horrible as what happened to me was, I survived--and I've learned to put the blame where it has always belonged." Maggie and Zeke began barking, the sound one of welcome rather than a warning, and I got up to glance out of the window. Michaela's wagon was coming down the drive to the house, and I opened the door and hurried outside onto the porch. "Is Zach worse?" I demanded anxiously, wrapping my arms around myself as the cold wind whipped through my nightgown and wrapper. "As far as I know, he's continuing to improve." She looked slightly abashed as she realized that her early morning visit had given me a scare. "He seemed stable enough late last night that I told Mrs. Cullhain to send for me if his condition deteriorated and went on home to sleep." "Now I understand what my mother meant when she talked about the five of us worrying her into getting gray hair--I just felt my first one pop up," I tried to joke, going down into the yard and tying her horses to the rail. "Come on in--the coffee is still fresh." "I wanted the opportunity to say more than hello to Beth, so I decided to stop by here on my way into town, in case things are as hectic at the clinic today as they were yesterday." Mike turned and maneuvered her expanding girth to the ground. "By the time that I had finished and had the time free to sit down and talk, the two of you had already left for the day." "I hadn't been home in more than 24 hours, and Beth was tired from the train, so I brought her out here and got her settled in." I walked Michaela toward the steps. "By the way, I'm pleased to see that you've given up riding Flash for awhile." "Sully insisted on it," she groused. "Good for him." I gave her a "thumbs up" as I opened the door. "Your balance has to be completely off by now. You don't belong on the back of a horse until after this baby comes." "Good morning, Dr. Mike," Beth called, retrieving another cup and saucer from the cabinet and pouring coffee. "Would you like one of Cat's apple-cinnamon muffins?" "That sounds wonderful. Thank you." Mike lowered herself into a chair, putting her palms down first, and I giggled. "It's a good thing that you finally told everyone that there was a baby on the way--your belly is entering the room now well before you do." "I will remember that comment when you're pregnant--and I'm the one who's sitting back, watching," Michaela swore, smiling as she moved her palm in circles over her protruding abdomen. "As tiny as you are, near the end of those nine months, the sight of your feet will be nothing more than a faint memory. Undoubtedly, you're going to be almost as round as you are tall." "The only children that I expect to have are the ones that I teach for eight and a half months out of the year," I reminded her lightly. "I honestly can't see you never having a family of your own," she admitted. "I've always found that impossible to believe, even before your engagement to Hank. You have too much to offer--and entirely too much love to give." "Unfortunately, the man that I wanted to give it to doesn't want it." I quickly braided my hair before sitting back down at the table. "Perhaps it's simply that my muscles aren't as tight as they were with the first child, but I didn't gain this much weight with Katie. Not until near the end. Certainly not by this point in my sixth month," Michaela steered the conversation back to herself, away from a topic that was clearly difficult for me. "I've been wondering recently if I might have miscalculated the dates--if the baby is due sooner than I think." "Is it possible that you're pregnant with twins?" I eyed her abdomen. "I only hear a single heartbeat--but I've delivered several sets of twins where one seemed to be in hiding behind the other and surprised us all at the last minute." She smiled. "If you didn't get those dates wrong, either Josef is going to be a nine pounder or he has Marjorie Rebecca in there, keeping him company," I predicted. "The only thing that would make me happier than one strong, healthy baby would be two," Mike confessed. "Isn't Colleen due any day now?" "Not until the first week in May." "Maybe I'll at least get a look at your grandchild before I go," I said quietly. "Sully told me your plans." Her voice was both accusing and hurt. "I can't stay, Mike." I felt tears blur my vision. "As much as I would like to be here when the baby comes, I simply can't." "I felt like running away once before Sully and I were married-- because of a woman named Catherine." She held my gaze. "I'm awfully glad now that I didn't." "We'll write and send telegrams--and the train runs regularly in both directions." "Things will never be the same again after you're gone--you know that as well as I do." She picked up a muffin and bit into it, then made a soft sound of pleasure. "You have to teach me how to make these." "All I do is add chopped pecans, cinnamon, a few spoonfuls of sugar, and small pieces of cooked apples to my regular muffin recipe." "I don't have a 'regular muffin recipe." "Remind me, and I'll write one down for you." "How is Zach?" Beth asked lightly, placing the cream and sugar within Mike's reach. "When I left last night he had remained awake for nearly six hours and eaten two bowls of Grace's soup." The look of relief on her face as she glanced at me told me exactly how worried that she had originally been. "Whatever bleeding there was inside the brain apparently sealed itself off rather quickly, or I think that we would be seeing more evidence of damage than we have. Zach seems to have been incredibly lucky." "Beth and I talked it over, and when he's ready to leave the clinic, I want to bring him back home." I added more coffee to my cup. "Back here." "Are you certain that would be the best thing?" Michaela asked quietly. "For Zach and for you?" "After this trial is over the only thing that might stand a prayer of a chance of convincing the town of Colorado Springs that I'm still a virgin is if you examined me, then posted a public notice to that effect on your office door," I opined drily. "Caitlyn!" Beth spluttered, almost choking on her coffee before the three of us started to laugh. "I don't know why I'm laughing." I shook my head slightly, tears in my eyes as I continued to giggle. "Even a sworn affidavit wouldn't be quite enough to make some people see me as anything other than a 'fallen woman." "Female doctors have to deal with the same sort of prejudices and false assumptions about our character," Mike admitted ruefully. "It begins the minute that we enter medical school." "But I've never even SEEN a totally naked man--at least you were cutting up dead ones!" I protested. "What am I going to do without you?" she chuckled, then sighed. "I'm trying my best to leave Beth behind as my replacement." "Believe me, I'm no match for Cat!" "Should I take that as a compliment--or as reassurance to a member of the Town Council?" I joked. "My oldest son would be extremely pleased to have you both remain here," Mike admitted. "He seemed to be having trouble keeping his mind focused on reading torts last night after meeting Beth." "Matthew Cooper," I explained as Beth obviously struggled to recall a young man with the last name of Quinn or Sully. "The gentleman who escorted me to the clinic when I first arrived on the train." She smiled and nodded pleasantly. "I had no idea that he was your son." "Michaela had three children before she married." I grinned at her wickedly. "Without ever giving birth," Mike hastened to add. "I had a friend who died and left me with a ready-made family." "Or so she says," I interjected. "If you're interested in our teaching position, can you promise me that you're nothing at all like Cait?" Michaela shook her head in mock exasperation. "They broke the mold when they made her," Beth replied lightly. "Since you can't improve upon perfection..." I nodded sagely. "I've heard other reasons given..." My sister quipped. "In all seriousness, if Caitlyn returns to Georgia, we'll be needing another teacher in the fall. Is there any possibility at all of persuading you to consider staying on in Colorado Springs?" "Teaching somewhere in the West had never crossed my mind until yesterday--and it's far too soon for me to know whether or not I would enjoy living here," Beth evaded. "I'll have a much better idea what my feelings are about that in a few weeks." "The Council is definitely going to have to consider hiring married women or allowing them to continue their teaching careers, if they choose," Michaela opined. "Otherwise, we'll be conducting this type of search each and every year." "And more than likely having to settle for someone who has no training or higher education whatsoever," I agreed. "At this point the number of available positions far outnumber qualified applicants." "Cait...a few minutes ago, when I asked if you were sure that allowing Zach to move back in was the best thing, what I had in mind wasn't whether or not it would do further damage to your reputation." Michaela broke open another muffin and filled it with butter. "Although he definitely needs to have a close eye kept on him during the initial phase of his recovery, seeing him hurt like this has obviously torn you to pieces. Why put yourself into the position of growing more and more attached to Zach, when it's only going to make it more difficult for you both when the time comes to say goodbye?" "If I followed that to its logical conclusion, then I would avoid all of my friends until time for me to go--including you." I shook my head slightly. "I have no intention of letting Zach down--if he wants to come home, then I'm bringing him back here. It's too late to protect my heart. I already love that boy as much as if he was my own flesh and blood. Nothing is going to make it any easier for me to say goodbye." "I could allow Zach to stay at the clinic until Hank's trial is over." "That won't be necessary," I politely refused her offer. "But thank you." "You look like you've cried all night." Mike eyed me more carefully. "After I'm back in Georgia--and I never have to see Hank again--it will be easier for me. I'll be fine." I avoided her gaze. "Do you really believe that? Or are you simply trying to convince Dr. Mike and me?" Beth questioned gently. "I have to believe it. It's the only thing that helps to get me through the night." "That and about fifteen handkerchiefs," she mumbled. "As opposed as I was to you seeing Hank in the beginning, I had come to believe that things might be different this time--that he recognized what he had found in you." Mike sighed. "I was fighting against impossible odds," I whispered, choking back a sob. "Yesterday at the clinic I finally realized that Hank is still in love with Clarice. I've been trying to compete with a woman who has been dead for the last 13 years. I never stood even half a chance." |
